Its My Choice
by mishti
Summary: Did Sam choose to use his powers in defiance of Dean's dying wishes, or was he left with no choice at all? Why is it that only Dean can kill/stop Sam? Tag to Metamorphosis - Sam's POV.


It's My Choice

It's been a week since Dean found out about his powers – a week since Dean punched him twice and a week since his beloved older brother virtually told him that he is supernatural prey to be hunted.

'If I didn't know you, Id hunt you': the words resound through Sam's consciousness day and night and the sting of these words has not eased even a bit. He knows that the reaction was all 'parent' – for that is what Dean has often been to him – raising Sam virtually alone, loving him pretty much unconditionally, protecting him with his own life and soul – yes, Dean reacted like a terrified parent, ready to enforce safety for a much loved but wayward child, even at the cost of inflicting violence to get a vital point across. And yes, Sam has lied extensively to Dean, sometimes to protect himself and sometimes to protect Dean. The crux of the matter is that in the whole wide world, it is Dean's approval, Dean's opinions that matter most – and this is why it hurts so badly that even for a minute Dean did not consider the fact that perhaps Sam did not make a choice to use his powers, but was forced into them.

'It was your dying wish' he thinks now, 'did you never even wonder why I broke with it?' But these thoughts are useless – he is tired of thinking the same things again and again, is broken and despairing in ways that he cannot even begin putting right. Dean is back and once upon a time he thought that if that happened, he would never be truly sad or alone again. But Dean is back and Dean is comfortable with Bobby and even with his new angel buddy 'Cass'; but with Sam there is an almost insurmountable wall of silence and suspicion. And Sam is still alone.

How is he to tell Dean the surreal nightmare life he has led for ten months – six months because of the trickster and four months because of an insane deal? How can he explain his triple guilt to Dean, for causing Dean to lose his soul and go to hell for Sam's flawed self, for knowing that both the trickster and Lilith were so focused on Dean as a way to make a point with Sam himself, and for being unable to save Dean as Dean had saved him. Most fundamental of all, how can he explain that it was not Sam that chose to use his powers, but that the powers, once brought forth in the confrontation with Lilith, now leak out of him at all times, building up to dangerous levels if he does not find an outlet. The headaches that nearly killed him – those came from desperately denying and suppressing his powers. If Ruby had somehow not found a way to return to him and help him, Sam is sure that he would have died of a supernaturally induced brain tumor. And while that in itself would have been no bad thing, who then would have rescued Dean from hell?

Of course as it turned out, God and 'Cass' were waiting in the wings to do just that. Sam wonders what it is about Dean (and apparently about Sam as well), that only he can kill Sam. Dad seemed to think so, God seems to think so, and now Sam has begun to think so too. Perhaps that is his real destiny – to destroy the world or destroy his brother, for there are no doubts in Sam's mind what killing him would do to Dean.

Maybe however there is another way out. Using the powers for achieving good has not worked – God has sent an angel down to make this point clear. Destroying the world is not really an option, however frustrated Sam might get with it sometimes. Destroying Dean – no, this ranks as the last option even after destroying the world. Dying of power buildup has not been an option in the past, because Sam somehow needed to be around to find a way to bring Dean back. But Dean is back now and safe with a guardian angel looking after him. Dying is back on the table now – and really what does he have left to live for other than the joy of being shunned by all whether demon, human or angel; or better still causing the death of the last two precious members of his small family, Dean and Bobby? He has already been the cause of so much death and destruction and no one has been safe - family, friends, loved ones. No, the time has come to make a stand. Like he told Dean a week ago, it's time to give up his powers. And with that one decision he has given up everything else too– hope, a future, his life and his so called destiny.


End file.
